I asked my friend Alex Allman to write this post today based on a phone conversation we had the other day. I think “self trust” is an important topic for us all….
Let’s chat for a minute about the comfortable, masculine confidence and ease that comes from “self trust”. It’s incredibly sexually attractive to women, it’s socially powerful among men, and it creates a deep sense achievement and well-being for the man who’s got it…
… and perhaps a sense of despair for a man that doesn’t.
Here’s a fact: I started working out back in 9th grade because I didn’t have ANY of those qualities, and maybe you can relate.
I hit puberty late. There are class pictures from my early teens where I look like somebody’s kid brother who snuck into the shot. I’m a head shorter than anyone else and I just look a lot less mature. My athletic coordination lagged right along with my body.
There was a particularly humiliating incident involving me, a pull-up bar, my entire class watching, and the gym teacher writing a 0 on a clip board, that started me on weights.
I get a lot of external validation from that decision. If I go running on the street with my shirt off, the occasional car-load of girls will whistle and hoot at me. And don’t even get me started on what happens if I walk through West Hollywood. An ex and her best friend once recounted a conversation they had before our first date. She said, “I’m not going to sleep with him, it’s just a date!” and her friend said, “Come on, you know if he takes his shirt off it’s going to be OVER.” And so it was.
But by far the biggest thing I got was learning to trust myself to show up.
There are a lot of things in life I have succeeded at, and plenty I’ve failed at. I’ve made promises to myself that I never kept– more than I’d care to remember. But showing up in the gym to take care of this body – the only one that I’ll ever have in this lifetime – has proven to me that I can keep an important commitment to myself with discipline and hard work.
I’m about to turn 44 and looking back, there have been times in my life when that’s about all I had to remind me that I could succeed… and that provided the ember to light the flame for many other bigger or more important challenges in my path.
I believe that self trust is the most important thing a man can have. Trusting yourself to make the right decisions, to know that even in the worst situations that you’ve got the ball, to feel in your bones that you can count on yourself in anything from sex to career to confrontation.
And this isn’t just a case of war-movie macho stuff. In fact, trusting yourself allows you to have more fun, to act silly, to not take things so seriously.
The biggest thing that kills attraction and sabotages the average guy’s relationships is his NEED for a woman’s validation. If she hands over her phone number, laughs at his jokes, agrees with his important point in conversation, takes off her clothing, has an orgasm in the bedroom, and says “yes”, then he feels great. But if she’s in a bad mood, isn’t in the mood for sex, doesn’t agree with him… then it triggers his insecurities and he becomes hostile and jealous.
A man like that, the guy I used to be, not to mention 99% of everyone else with a penis, will end up sabotaging his relationships, often before they start.
It usually takes a lot of external validation before we learn to expect life to hand us validation so confidently that we finally become internally validated. At some point when someone thinks we’re stupid, ugly, and wrong, we just laugh and think they must be crazy.
But there is another possibility that requires no outside validation from anyone else. A sweet realization that in this life you truly can do anything you want to do.
We invent the beliefs that keep us from knowing how incredibly free we really are. And I don’t mean free just in the “flag waving USA” sort of way. You could live in prison and be more free than just about anyone you’ll ever meet.
You can make a decision to just trust yourself and damn the consequences. You can decide that, come what may, you’ll take your own side and that nothing can touch you.
Ram Dass tells a story in “Be Here Now,” where he has just had this intense spiritual realization. Filled with joy he walks outside in the snow in the middle of the night and starts shoveling his parents walkway. His parents wake up from the sound and they yell out to him, “Come to bed, you idiot. Nobody shovels snow at 5 in the morning!”
He writes: “And I looked up at them and I heard the external voice I had been listening to for over 30 years, and inside of me, something said, ‘It’s all right to shovel snow, and it’s all right to be happy.’ […] You can see in that moment in the early morning the seeds of the breakaway. The seeds of the ability to be able to confront, and even disagree with, an existing institution and know and trust that inside place that says it’s all right […] All I’ll ever need to do is look inside and I’ll know what to do and I can always trust it.”
Learning to operate from this space can change everything in your life, from your career to your relationships.
I’ve been writing and lecturing on sexual skills and techniques for many years, but there is nothing that will make you more sexually powerful than fully realizing your masculine freedom.
I invite you to learn more about self trust and living a life of un-compromised passion by getting a hold of my free mini-course on how to live with passion and how to unleash passion in any woman:
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Alex is the man. He’s a good dude and has a lot to teach. Plus he’s like us… savvy in the ways of the Adonis Lifestyle 😉